This isn’t a movie or entertainment post today, but I think it is very fitting with the name of my blog- The Cinema Soloist. It’s been on my mind, and I decided to share it. My blog was founded on my solo adventures in film and life, and I’ve often thought about the fact that there has been a lack of (romantic) relationships in my life.
I’ve been single for well…A very, very long time. Longer than the average person at my ripe old age of 24. Why? You ask. It’s a multitude of reasons…From the guys I like not returning my adoration, or vice versa, being too busy, or just plain disinterest in relationships in general.
For years, I felt like a freak. Is there something wrong with me? I would think constantly. I had plenty of unrequited crushes, or lacked anyone who was interested- or more accurately, anyone I would want to be interested in me. I also wondered if I was being too picky as a I scrolled through my Facebook timeline, and was bombarded with engagement and wedding photos. I interned at a bridal store in my small military hometown, and I remember the resentment when each barely legal bride-to-be entered, her wedding not for a year or more, but she was there to play dress-up, and claim she needed to ask her parents for money.
After a while, I realized there was nothing wrong and I wasn’t being too selective either. Everyone goes through life at their own pace, and I needed to stop worrying about what was happening for others instead of myself. In the back of my mind, I remembered many of the guys I pursued, realizing that if things had gone the way I wanted, I wouldn’t be where I am today. And having heard who and where some of them are now, I know God was looking out for me! Yes!
Relationships can be beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but they weren’t in the cards for me in the past- and right now. I thank God for that. Without the emotional attachment, I have been able to grow into a better version of myself. Over the years, I’ve used my time to focus on me, because a lot of the time, I had no choice! Now it is a choice! I’ve never had to compromise, or question. I never had to answer to anyone. I was free in my wanderlust because I never had to worry about leaving anyone behind.
For years, I struggled with low self-esteem, and I have been trying to shake the habit. And shaking the habit means loving myself first, and enjoying my own company before I let anyone else in. Especially in my teens, and early college, I was not in a good place- and I’m glad no one had to go through “the old me”. Finally, I can say I’m at a point where I can look in the mirror and not hate what I see. I can also say I’m not as shy anymore and have learned to stand up for myself and speak my mind. I still have a bit of growing to do, but I am leaps and bounds where I once was. Right now, I’m going through a transitional phase in my life, and I wouldn’t want to drag anyone through that. I wouldn’t be able to give much of my time, or much of my mind- which isn’t fair to a deserving person.
Moving to California has been a great thing for me in the fact that I have been able to become more independent and learn about myself. It was a huge leap of faith coming out here to San Diego. In all my wildest dreams, I never thought I would be here on the West Coast. Here, I’ve enjoyed nice meals alone, viewed the ocean alone, and enjoyed the movies- almost exclusively alone. Would I enjoy another person’s company sometimes? Definitely. But I don’t let the fact that I don’t have company deter me or define me.
If you have been through or are going through a period of “perpetual singleness”, I hope you find some peace today. Thank you for reading, and much love…
ADRIANA, THE CINEMA SOLOIST