I’m 23 years old. Officially. I’,m about 3 weeks late, but I have been thinking a LOT. As with every year, I feel no different. At least not right now. I’m at a crossroads in my life. I’ve been stagnant for awhile, looking for the next route to turn. I guess right now I feel like Moses wandering through the desert. In hindsight, nothing seems to be happening, but big things are on the horizon.

I have currently found myself in a spiritual wasteland. I don’t speak of my faith much on this blog, and for good reason. I don’t like to seem insincere or hypocritical. Being in the weird standstill I’m in, I have been dealing with feelings of isolation and uncertainty. As someone who loves to plan and have things figured out, this hurts. A LOT. I’ve moved back home to save as I’ve mentioned before, and it’s taken some adjusting. I have been working to find a new community, and a happy balance with my new job (a call center). Every day I remind myself that what is going on is only temporary. I try to remind myself that I am not a failure and try to refrain myself from comparing my life to others my age, and that anything worth having is going to involve a lot of hard work and sacrifice. This has honestly been one of the hardest times of my life. When I look at my life- I know it’s not bad at all, but there has been a lot of frustration. There are many others in the same boat as me, but I still feel very alone. Years ago, I had such big plans for myself, but I feel as if things have changed so much.

I’ve always had trouble making decisions. One reason, I like to believe, is because I am afraid of making the wrong one (and a lot of times, I often do!). I know I should probably trust God more, but I don’t like to think of missteps in my life as being part of God’s will. Would He want me to be in this situation? Or is it due to my own mistakes? As a planner, It scares me to not know where I’ll be in 5 years, or even a couple months from now…

As I reflect, I think about my life in the films I love. Some have spoken to me in different ways. I’ve gone through a period of childish delight, teen angst, and right now I find myself in this weird purgatory between childhood and adulthood. I don’t feel I am quite “adulting” just yet, but I know I am far beyond being a child, and I have left adolescence behind. I want to be on my own and living a new life so bad, but I know I can’t rush into anything. It was pretty difficult sifting through the hundreds of movies I’ve seen, and I thought about all the films that have retained their sentimental value over the years, and have left me with a different outlook on life after watching them. They serve as an escape and reminder of what I want to do with my life.

Below you will find some films that are very important to me. Thank you for reading my post and allowing me to be transparent.

1. Titanic (1997)

I figure life’s a gift and I don’t intend on wasting it. You don’t know what hand you’re gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you… to make each day count.

2. Heathers (1988)

If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn’t be a human being. You’d be a game-show host.

3. The Wiz (1978)

Home is a place we all must find, child. It’s not just a place where you eat or sleep. Home is knowing. Knowing your mind, knowing your heart, knowing your courage. If we know ourselves, we’re always home, anywhere.

4. Paris Je T’aime (2006)

There are times when life calls out for a change. A transition. Like the seasons. Our spring was wonderful, but summer is over now and we missed out on autumn. And now all of a sudden, it’s cold, so cold that everything is freezing over. Our love fell asleep, and the snow took it by surprise. But if you fall asleep in the snow, you don’t feel death coming.

5. Crash (2004)

It’s the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We’re always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

6. Moulin Rouge (2001)

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

7. Jawbreaker (1999)

Time doesn’t erase things, people erase things.

8. Dracula (1992)

Bram Stoker's Dracula

Do not let your eyes see or your ears hear that which you cannot account for.

9. The Devil Wears Prada (2006)

The Devil Wears Prada

Don’t you know that you are working at the place that published some of the greatest artists of the century? Halston, Lagerfeld, de la Renta. And what they did, what they created was greater than art because you live your life in it.

10. The Outsiders (1982)

I’ve been thinking about it,and that poem , that guy that wrote it , he meant you are gold when you’re a kid,like green. When you’re a kid everything is new, dawn. It’s just. When just when you get used to everything it’s day. Like the way you dig sunsets,Pony. That’s Gold. Keep it that way,it’s a good way to be.

11. Spring Breakers (2012)

I think that’s the secret to life – being a good person.

12. Lolita (1997)

Jeremy Irons in Lolita

You look one hundred percent better when I can’t see you.

13. Belle (2013)

Human beings cannot be priced since we are priceless – free men and slaves alike.

14. Thirteen (2003)

He was crippled but only his body was cracked it’s not simple nor is it an easy manor to explain let’s just leave it at that she says and closes the holy book of lies she covers her eyes denying to herself what she thought happened.

15. American Beauty (1999)

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me… but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life… You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday

16. Mermaids (1990)

Please God, don’t let me fall in love and want to do disgusting things…

17. Boogie Nights (1997)

I’ve been around this block twice now. Looking for something. A clue. I’ve been looking for clues and something led me back here. Yeah. So here I am.

18. Black Swan (2010)

The only person standing in your way is you.

19. Pleasantville (1998)

When your father was here, I used to think, “This was it. This is the way it was always going to be.” I had the right house. I had the right car. I had the right life…There is no right house. There is no right car.

20. Naked in New York (1993)

MSDNAIN EC003

I’ve been trying to fit it into the context of my life, you know what I mean? And life, life is… curious.

21. My Own Private Idaho (1991)

I’m a connoisseur of roads. I’ve been tasting roads my whole life. This road will never end. It probably goes all around the world.

22. Unfinished Business (2015)

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Slow down and enjoy the moment because everything is going to be OK.

23. Real Women Have Curves (2002)

I want to be taken seriously. Respected for what I think, not for how I look.

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